While millions of women across the world were busy baring their souls, there were astounding questions that men had; why are they so confused?
Men across the world have to be simply told: If it feels wrong, it is wrong.
Long before the hashtag generation, in 2006, an African-American civil rights activist Tarana Burke founded the MeToo campaign. Over a decade later, October 2017 saw this hashtag spread virally on social media – with millions of women vociferously sharing dreadful experiences.
What confuses me is why this campaign left men confused. After being part of multiple discussions in 2017, this year when MeToo surfaced in India, I was obviously dragged into numerous conversations due to my unapologetic stance on the issue. My stance on how these incidents are a reality. My stance on how the world turns a blind eye to it. My stance on how people believe “it’s okay”. My stance on how victims are re-victimised – not just by the perpetuators, but more so, by the society.
When Harvey Weinstein was accused by around 80 women for sexually assaulting them over a span of 30 years, the world was up in arms. A known reality, the existence of a casting couch in cinema got some real backing. Women chose to speak up against big names, not fearing the possible consequences. There is a strength that unity brings, and in this case, it’s possibly what saw the campaign through.
While millions of women across the world were busy baring their souls, there were astounding questions that men had. How do you know what’s making a woman “uncomfortable”? Isn’t that too subjective? Do women not enjoy the “attention”? Maybe she slept with her boss to progress in her career? Why is she talking about this assault after so many years? Maybe she just wants limelight?
First of all, no quantum of limelight will get a woman to talk about possibly the worst experience/feeling of her life. Looking at how our society is built, a woman is shamed if she has been sexually assaulted. She’s blamed for the clothes she wears, the fact that she drinks/smokes or even for going out at night. So no, no quantum of limelight will bring her to talk about something that makes her an outcast – this is possibly one of the biggest reasons as to why sexual assault cases go unreported.
The fact that men had questions like what making a woman “uncomfortable” entails is another sign of patriarchy, it’s another sign of entitlement that men seem to be born with. Scientifically proven, men are physically stronger than women, but does that mean the law of the jungle applies to humans as well? If a man does not understand what’s making a woman uncomfortable around him only goes to show he’s either not aware of his sexuality, or he believes it’s okay to be a certain way, it’s okay to show a sense of superiority.
Especially in India, even talking about sex is taboo, let alone having sexual partners pre-marriage. In a setup like this, how welcome do you think talking about rape would be? Women can’t talk about it at home fearing judgement, and a few who do are forced by their very own families to stay shut fearing no one would marry a rape victim. So think about being a woman who was sexually assaulted. Put yourself in her shoes. You are firstly dealing with this unfortunate event or series of events that drains you both physically and mentally. To top that, your own family, friends and society are out to get you. Making things worse, if it’s someone in a position of power that assaulted you, there is fear amongst people to go after him. So not only are you victimised, you are re-victimised by the surrounding world.
Psychologically speaking, an assault can destroy you. It could take decades to even forget such an experience. Most victims don’t get over the trauma for a lifetime. There is no reason why a woman would lie about something like sexual assault, and even in the few unwarranted cases it’s happened, it’s not what we should focus on. The focus should be on the millions of women and what they deal with on a daily basis, not on a handful who may have misread a situation or typecast a narrative.
A lot of men came out saying don’t label us all as bad, don’t blame the gender, blame the person. It can’t be that black and white. What percentage of cases have women assaulting men? At the end of the day, it’s all relative. Men have, over centuries, kept women as submissive as possible. Men over centuries have continued to make sure that women hit a glass ceiling. Women are cordoned off to do things that don’t matter as much. It’s just how the society is built – women pick up leftovers while men drive the agenda.
Is there a silver bullet? Probably not. But the start to the solution is a culture change. It’s high time women are treated as equals – not only on paper, but also in reality. Don’t misinterpret this, women don’t want to be put up on a pedestal, they just want to be treated equal to that of men, to have their contributions valued truly and to be looked at more than a piece of meat.
No, not all men are bad. Most men are not bad. But there are enough out there that have created this wave in the society. Women till date don’t feel safe for a reason, and it’s not just in their heads, there must be something wrong with the way the society is built that such thoughts and issues still prevail. Having said that, not all Germans were bad, but the holocaust happened and we still look down upon them as a society- that’s just how the labelling theory in sociology works.
If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Those are the golden words that men across the world need to comprehend. If a woman says she felt molested, it most certainly did happen. There is no way to define how and when a woman will feel uncomfortable, and that’s why there is consent. Ask before you do, do only as much and don’t cross boundaries. Learn to respect how the other person feels. And most importantly, no means no. No does not mean it’s a hint to come closer and play games. No means no. It’s time we accept reality, move out of denial and do something to change how the society functions – the first place to start? Home.