Congress To INDI - A Love Letter With Numbers

Hey INDI!

How's it going, girl? I am scrolling through your insta. Totally base!!

Last evening, with a glass of Indri in hand, I was listening to the song “Hoga tumse pyara kaun”. The cute cat in the remix reminded me so much of you.

In a flash, it occurred to me how madly I am in love with you! And I have decided to pour my heart out!

We have been on a few dates, but I am not sure where I stand. Time seems to move very slowly. You want me to prove my love for you? I have proof! As a first, from the times of Laila and Majnu, you will see excel tables in this love letter. Because you are unique, letter should also be one of a kind. I really really want to take our relationship to the next level.

You have many faces - femme-fatale in Bengal, bully in Bihar, thuggish in Tamil Nadu, creepy in Kerala, mad in Maharashtra, unhappy in UP, cold in J&K, devious in Delhi and so on. But you are one big teddy bear to me. I know you won’t run away with that rich, confident and successful villain, the BJP. That rascal doesn’t even pay attention to you. BTW, he has his own little chakkar, NDA. But I know in the heart of hearts that you don’t want to be single. Me neither, babe!

You remember, I was powerful once. Sigh, those were the days! I had 206 seats in 2009. I have only 52 now. I am living like those old and haughty nawabs dressed like ornate clowns living in dilapidated palaces… haha! I like self-deprecating humour coz I am totally drunk and deprecated! 

I know you have almost twice my seats. Let us come together this time and make it one two ka four! Like lazy journalists say, “It is not the mathematics, it is the chemistry”. C’mon, hun! Let us make some explosives and go boom, boom! What say?!

We aren’t soulmates because of decadences like money and power. It is something much bigger, isn’t it? You won’t believe if I say, our bond is based on feelings, of ideology, of things that tug mad hearts. So, I won't fool you like I fool the jholawalas. 

Let me be upfront. We both hate Modi. Let’s get married and make him notice us. That will be revenge served cold. You may sometime wonder whether it is weird that our love is based on hate, but hey, strange are the ways of the heart! Ours is unique - HateLove! 

We raised our hands and waved to the public after our date in Mumbai. The samosas were yummy and we had hope! Then our families got together and talked and talked some more and then nothing… Jeez, don’t I detest those doddering old buffoons! Our families are such a mess. They can’t even string out a bloody slogan! We need to catch up again soon, for samosas, banter, and masti… I mean to discuss  manifesto, seat-sharing, leadership etc.

Last time around, in 2019, I had a great idea. It was actually Raghuram’s idea - NYAY. I was so proud of that. But so it so turned out that only I was proud of that. I have no new ideas now. Look at Vivek Ramasamy in the US. He is rolling out magic spells, everyday. Jairam Ramesh has come up with a grand total of zero new ideas. He has become a simple internet troll. And, we are supposed be the clever ones! We are at a point where Supriya Shrinate is our brightest spark. Rajaji will be spitting at us from heaven!

But your idea of making OBCs an issue was utter genius. That’s what I call political acumen! I fell in love with you all over again. “Jitini abaadi, utni haq!”…Dang! Mind-blown!! I don’t fully get the ramifications of the slogan, but I just love it!!

You know, Main Dimag ka istemal nahi karta hu; Dil se hi sab kucch karta hu. But I want to make our relationship pucca. So I hired a consultant to crunch some numbers. See table below on how many seats I wish to CONTEST. I have been candid in categorising states into four. 

I contested 421 in 2019. This time I will bring it down to 377, just for you. Sweetheart discount! But how much do I hope to win? Well, I prodded my consultant, Kuneel, to make it rain and give a best estimate. He scribbled the following in the back of Nehru ji’s, “Discovery of India”.

81! That was his BEST GUESS! I went bananas! I berated Kuneel for taking my own money and insulting me. I told him that Sam Pitroda’s survey from Chicago gave me 240. But he wouldn’t budge. He quietly slipped in a paper with BJP’s survey, which was giving me just 50 seats. I jiu-jitsued him right there! 

I am sharing this with you so that you will trust me! I want you to pay attention to the blue quadrant from above. This is where our magic will work. It says I will contest 52 out of the 190. I beseech you to double that offer to 100. You should not think I want to eat off your plate. I want it for us! 

Your hard-work and my charisma will be deadly combination. Literally deadly for India! I want it so that we can together realise our collective aspirations. BJP won 224 seats with more than 50 per cent votes last time. With no massive anti-incumbency, they will probably retain those. Just remember!

Please don't ask how people will respect me if I have reconciled to being a 2-digit party already. I am doing a bit of soul-searching myself. I implore you to not look at me like some bhikari person. I am not totally gareeb, FYI. I have Karnataka to plunder. Plus, I have powerful foreign friends. I can make a small-town girl like you go from Navbharat Times to New York Times. Soch lo!

We have to unite to divide the country. Dammit, what is the country for if they don’t choose us?! Maybe that sentiment will please your heart!

I am being earnest. I am trying very hard and hopefully you can feel the fervour. Modi, that guy, is slowly flipping everything against us. Remember, he called us ghamandiya, Indian Mujahideen, Quit India, and what not! He has Ram Mandir and Rohini Commission up his sleeve. He shut that hole-in-the-wall, Newsclick, for Chrissake!  My friends in 'South Asia' are also scared.

I am saying all of these because, forces beyond us want us to be together. Universe is conspiring. Let us conspire with it. Let us cuddle with it! What a beautiful feeling, this oneness across borders!

I promise to be the anchor in the family. The contradictions may seem too many. Chasms may look too wide. Our families may look like dodos. So many of our own people will be upset after being denied tickets and try to set us on fire. But our love for the hate of the Modi will be the wholesome base on which we will build our dream castle.

We can make it work. I can feel it in my bones! Please say yes!

Jitini abaadi, utni hugs!

Your dear Congo

PS: The details of the BJP's survey is below. But, you know those bullies are biased!

(The author is a screenplay writer. In this serious and wicked world, what else could a humorist do other than stay anonymous.)