[Satire] Nehruvian India Revolts Against Medal-Hoarding Culture of Modi's Bharat

The renowned historian Krishnasurya Guha, who has enlightened the world with his masterpiece 'India after that old Barrister from South Africa', has expressed his dismay at the Indian middle class for celebrating the medals won by their athletes. 'This is a very anti-Gandhian attitude', he lamented. 'India is a land of defeats and a land shaped by defeats. Victory is superficial. Defeat is profound. India should be a profound nation', he pleaded.

'What would have that barrister thrown out of South African train done?' he wondered in his social media post. 'He would have empathized with every player who was humiliated by an Indian player and would have declared a day of national repentance of Bhajans and spinning wheels,' the historian tweeted.

The eminent social scientist Viswa Sivanathan has endorsed the views of Krishnasurya Guha. In an exclusive interview, he revealed that hoarding of medals was actually a sinister way of hoarding wealth. By making India compete with other three digit medals winner for the first time, the nature of Indian State is getting corrupted from what it was meant to be by its socialist visionaries and it was a grave threat to democracy.

The brilliant psychologist Nashis Andy concurs. There are deep Freudian implications here, he cautioned. Celebrating sports victory by a nation and a society is a classic case of Fascism and India is heading towards that. Modi comes from Gujarat and Gujarat is full of traders he noted. Increase in gold medals means the traders are manipulating the way we win medals, the Freudian social psychologist observed.

A Gandhian nation, even if it wanted to increase the medals tally, it should have only settled for bronze but there is a staggering increase in number of gold. This is the typical Vaisya trait of Gujarat infecting the national psyche. This is a sign of bleak commercialised future he elucidated.

Iancha Kaliya, the brilliant scholar who was chosen by the previous Government for his unbiased and objective research on social exclusion, was in tears. He used to enjoy the good old days when India would lose miserably in international games and win only a handful of medals. That was the perfect opportunity to enlighten the masses about how Brahmanism had ruined the physical sports culture in India and how we needed to overhaul the system by organizing more seminars and workshops. But now, thanks to the pesky Indians who are winning medals left and right, he is unable to discuss such vital issues of egalitarianism.

Pop Mythologist Asuradutt Kalnayak also said that India winning is actually India losing. He pointed out that all Indian mythologies have taught us that there was no point in being happy. Happiness is a West imported emotion. Hindutvaites celebrating the victory of medals is a sign that they have Western hearts. 'I agree with Guha that we should announce a national day of mourning to avoid such sliding into joy-haul mindset', said a visibly sobbing Asuradutt Kalnayak in a video message.

In a glorious conference titled 'Eradicating Sanatana Winning Spree' at Chennai, the Junior Supremo of the first dynasty of the state enlightened the masses that the state had not even bothered to send its list of players to the national sports meet. He proudly contrasted this with the winning spree displayed at Asiad 2023. 'That is Sanatana disease. And this is Dravidian equality,' he roared.

The legendary film script writer Suya Labhan concurs, 'What the Junior said is the sublime Jaina-Aseevaka anti-Vedic culture of Tamils. Winning is utterly an Aryan Brahminical notion.' He also assured that his support for the dynast supremo is purely principle-based and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he had signed contracts for writing scripts for two movies to be produced by the Junior dynast.

In a remarkable display of patriotism, 121.75 distinguished scholars have written a letter to all global sports authorities expressing their sorrow at India securing more than 100 medals at Asiad 2023. This is not the secular and progressive India envisioned by Nehru, but the ancient and regressive nation of Modi, steeped in superstition, they lamented in their letter.